I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
