Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
