Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
