she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
