even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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