My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
