Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I think I sprained my soul last night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
