grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
