My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
