I think I died a long time ago.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
