A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
