I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
