I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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