his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
