he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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