My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
