If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
