woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
