my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
