Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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