i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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