I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
