Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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