the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
