I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
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