My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
