Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
