If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
