do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
