You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
