I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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