...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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