she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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