That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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