Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
