I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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