So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
