haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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