he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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