When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
