I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
