worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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