using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
