Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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