Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
