My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
