I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
3pm strippers are depressing
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
