i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
