So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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