there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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