thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
