The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
