Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
