dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
