i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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