turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
