is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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