Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
