i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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