you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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