Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
